It's difficult to work out what the hell is going on in the world of poof-or-not sometimes, but the latest to hit HMHQ asks which not-gay actor and his not-a-beard fiancé may not have told the complete story about a recent pregnancy announcement?
The not-a-beard actress supposedly got knocked up by someone she met in the UK doing promo not long after meeting her not-gay husband-to-be.
13. Hops up and down in Mom's uterus at the sound of Oprah's voice. 12. Baby's first sonogram raked in $57 million on its opening weekend. 11. Mothership recently seen hovering over Katie Holmes' house. 10. Hangs by his umbilical cord inches above the floor. 9. The baby booties have 2-inch lifts. 8. Baby tells mom: "You had me at conception." 7. "Dada"? No. "Dadanetics!" 6. Pukes all over Brooke Shields on national TV. 5. Like Dad, baby also has a beard... on his arm. 4. Instead of crying when hungry, he screams, "Show me the nipple!" 3. "You're glib, Elmo. You don't know Cookie Monster. You haven't studied Cookie Monster. I have. I know the truth behind Cookie Monster." 2. Slides around the kitchen in his Huggies, lip-syncing to the Wiggles. 1. "I feel the need. The need... to pee."
The Top 13 Signs It's Not Tom Cruise's Child
13. Baby's emotional and intellectual growth continues past age five.
12. His performance in the birth video wins an Oscar.
11. Hasn't yet taken complete control of Katie Holmes's life.
10. The kid doesn't seem at all interested in planning a creepy scheme to prove own heterosexuality to the media.
9. Doesn't get a little baby stiffie when Rebecca De Mornay visits.
8. If his first meal with solid food is any indicator, he *can* handle the tooth.
7. The child prefers a more conventional religion -- Wiccan.
6. Nicole Kidman responds to the birth announcement by laughing so hard she pees herself.
5. Sure, Tom may be a big fan of Holmes' parts, but that's *John* Holmes, not Katie.
4. Unlike Pop, junior displays a wide range of facial expressions.
3. Gurgling inane gibberish? Check. Ecstatic and giggly one minute,
then angry and shrill the next? Check. At least six Scientology lawyers
climbing up my shorts right now for saying so? Um... nope.
2. The OB-GYN looks up from the sheet and exclaims, "Well, it seems *someone* has a minority to report!"
1. Attached to the umbilical cord is a sperm-bank receipt with David Crosby's name on it.